Hello My Valentine part 4

dating, courtship, crushes, and where does God fit in?  

 *note that my thoughts are in italics*

My Observation About Dating--Mark Forstrom (taken from a study guide/devotional)

• Getting a boyfriend or girlfriend is often driven by feelings, the need for self-acceptance, or social approval.
• Many students feel they "need" a boyfriend or girlfriend in order to fit in.
• The relationship usually begins with trying to impress the other person and trying to win him or her over, but the real person remains hidden behind a mask.
• The relationship is formalized by asking the other to "go out"--which is an undefined, temporary pseudo-commitment or contract of sorts. In reality, the promise made is basically "I'll be somewhat loyal to you for now."
• This pseudo-commitment necessitates "Defining the Relationship" continually.
• They rely on words like "I love you" and Facebook statuses and use of pet names, flirting, teasing, good looks, and immodestly. These are shallow ways to try to keep the relationship secure.
• Life is much more stressful, complicated, and dramatic with so much riding on the status of the relationship.
• The more confident partner often discovers he or she has a power and control over the more insecure one. Sometimes this turns into manipulation, with the more vulnerable one pressured to please the other, so as not to lose the relationship.
• The couple often gets preoccupied with the relationship, which makes other things suffer (like grades or church).
• The pursuit of God often takes a backseat to the pursuit of each other.
• The tend to become a clique of two, isolating themselves from others.
• Their isolation presents more opportunities for physical temptation and compromise.
• They pursue intimacy (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) without awareness that one type of intimacy often leads to the others.
• Jealousy often occurs in others who wish to "lay claim" to the boyfriend or girlfriend.
• It becomes awkward to speak with or enjoy friendships with those of the opposite sex.
• Old friends frequently become neglected and hurt, having been replaced by the boyfriend or girlfriend.
• The couple often withdraws from family to spend excessive time together.
• They often feel a sense of entitlement over the other person's time, attention, and body.
• It easily focuses on "getting" rather than "giving." This is a consumer mindset so common in our culture.
• Dating costs a lot of time, money, and emotional investment, making it hard to objectively get out if it has become unhealthy.
• When one partner habitually pays fro the other's expenses, it creates a sense of "IOU," which can lead to manipulation.
• Dating couples often live preoccupied with their future and miss enjoying the present. 
• Many dating partners continuously check up on what the other person is doing--which indicates insecurity and control. This smothers the other person and robs them of freedom.
• They experience great heartbreak and depression when they break up. Both suffer, but the one who cared the most ends up the most wounded.
• They often end up with much regret over having invested so much time, emotion, and money in what turned out to be only a temporary relationship.
• it gets very awkward after a breakup. They don't know how to relate to their Ex or their Ex's friends.
• Friends often take sides after a breakup, causing divisions and wounds which can last for years and destroy unity.

This is a mismatch post focused on a couple different topics. I hope you read the above article. As the author said, dating CAN and has happened [quote] without these pitfalls. However it is a potentially dangerous road. Why? Dating couples have little or no supervision /accountability--they are left to deal with the deeper issues of life alone. This is why the "courtship" style of relationships is so special.  When I say courtship it is in a loose sense, ie there is no set or "right" method in conducting a relationship. However there is example after example of Biblical adults counseling their children and/or influencing young people in decision making (Ruth, Esther, Rebecca, etc.) In essence, a parent advised relationship is Biblical. Ruth didn't simply walk out the door, meet a cute guy, and announce, "hey Naomi, this is Boaz. Boaz, meet my mother in law. Yeah, he's taking me out to the threshing field today. Be back around midnight." 

Every story is different. I like using the term "courtship" since it defines some type of chaperoned relationship, or at least one centered around parental guidance and approval. And ladies (here comes the "mismatched" part,) please remember that natural attraction to the opposite sex is, well, natural. The Lord has instilled in each human being the need, the want, the desire for a husband or wife. It's ok to like guys! ;) Recently I attended a purity conference. While I agreed in many areas, the definition (of this particular ministry) of "emotional purity," was somewhat troubling. The idea of, "well, that man over there--you like him? Don't do it! He's probably destined for someone else. Remember that, and  get him out of your mind--don't you know your lusting?" --is both harmful and unrealistic. YES we are to keep our emotions pure, but what does that mean? Lets take a look:

1. That young man you "like"--what is the motive? Are you simply after his looks, swooning over his job, or impressed by his awesome haircut? Or is he a man of character, someone you look up to. . .that might make an ideal husband? Label the attraction. "Crush" or "interest"? Once you've figured that out it's on to step 2. 
2. Crushes (again, a loose term) are passing, unproductive feelings. They are frivolous, unfocused, and silly. We all have them time and again. But a real interest--that guy you've been observing-- that may just be deeper. This is when prayer comes in handy. Talking with your parents also helps--ladies, don't hide your feelings! They are bursting to come out--to be heard; you'll feel freedom and willingness to move on. Take the time to sit with your mom and spill the beans.
3. Again, attraction is ok. But this is where the "purity" part of emotion starts working. What do we do with these thoughts? Crushing the crush is in best interest. Remember, until God opens doors, this is something that should be put away--not because it's sinful, but if those doors aren't opening--any natural attraction can become a dirty little secret.  Like Jane Austen said: "a ladies imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  
 

Adam slept, unaware that his bride was being prepared, molded, set aside just for him. In the same way we should be sleeping, waiting--ladies, don't jump at every cute guy out there! Attraction is fine:  don't take it out of perspective. You don't have to use "aggression" to get your man. If he's Mr. Right, God will bring him to you. "Courtship" isn't just a "system", as so many Christians have made it out to be. It is God preparing your perfect love story--it is leaving a precious heart in His hands. It is saying that you will commit to one person, that you are willing to "test the waters". Emotional purity is not necessarily about attraction itself; it's what we do with that attraction. If you've become a boy-crazy, love sick girl, pray about it, leave it in His hands, then move on with your life! There is so much to look forward to in these single years; it's an adventure. Live it!



Michaela is a 21 year old home school graduate striving each day to become more like her Savior, Jesus Christ. Some of her "likes?" Chocolate; extra dark. Coffee; the stronger the better. Tenors. [Andrea Bocelli!] The musical, Les Miserables. Italian Opera. Celtic music. The High Kings. Sushi [eaten in Hollywood] Pink. Charming Charlie. Long, swishy skirts. Spending hour after blissful hour playing her ancient piano. LIFE. Check out her blog @ Like Pearls Slipping off a String